The Chuck Chronicles Episode III--Emotion

Chuck, a fictional successful businessman in his late 50's, approaches David in a coaching session with the following situation:

“My mother will soon be stepping down as head of the family business. It seems pretty urgent for me now — I need to make some choices. I have spent most of my adult life preparing to succeed her; however, I am now wondering if it might be better to retire early and allow my son to take the reins instead of me. I feel a little blue right now, and I really need to make sure I am doing what is right for me as well as for my family and the business.”

A following fictional dialogue ensues between the coach (David) and the client (Chuck).

David: Hey, Chuck. How are you?

Chuck: Down, down, down ditty down.

David: Ok, Chuck. What’s down?

Chuck: Well, I had the conversations with Kathy, Mom, and Charlie about Mom stepping down, me stepping aside, and Charlie step up.

David: And how did they go?

Chuck: The conversations went fine. As I mentioned to you a few weeks back, I thought Kathy would be ecstatic, and she was. She could not have been more supportive and enthusiastic. She booked the tickets to Hawaii.

David: Nice. And Mom and Charlie.

Chuck: Mom took it surprisingly well. Especially when I mentioned that the cabin would always be there for her. She went ahead and starting clearing out some of her memorabilia at the office, and bringing it over to the cabin, including some of the photos of when she and Pop started the business.

Charlie was a bit surprised, in a nervous expectation sort of way. Kind of like the feeling you get when you’re a kid and you’re going to jump off the 10meter diving board for the first time. When I told him that I would be there for him (treading water in the deep end to make sure he comes up for air), he jumped in with delight.

David: And what about you, Chuck. What’s the sadness?

Chuck: That’s it, I’m not exactly sure. I’ve just been feeling melancholy ever since. I know I should be feeling elated: Kathy was so happy she jumped my bones that night, and I need not tell you that for a couple that’s been married as long as we have, her spontaneity was a welcome surprise. 

 David: Chuck, this is a G-rated conversation.

Chuck: Ok, David.  Anyway, Mom seems so content. And Charlie keeps getting out of the pool, climbing up the ladder and jumping in the pool. He even swam over to me, patted me on the back, and said: “It’s OK Pop. I can swim in the deep end. I’m not afraid anymore.” I should be loving this, and I’m not.

David: I hear that Chuck. Are you willing to dive deeper into this pool of sadness with me?

Chuck: I’m not sure, David.

David: Chuck, if you will allow me to use your own metaphor--I’ll dive down with you. Ok?

Chuck: Ok, David. I’ll give it a try.

David: Thanks Chuck. Let’s wade into the shallow end together first. What’s here?

Chuck: I’m a kid again. First time in the pool. It’s scary. I’m glad you’re holding my hand. It feels like I’m with my father. I remember him in the early days when he and Mom started the business. This is when I learned to swim. I’m looking at the two of them sitting poolside, going over the bills, talking about products, and people in the office. The Harry Chapin song Cat's in The Cradle is playing and I'm hearing: “I’m going to be just like him” is playing. [Chuck sings the line for David]

David: Beautiful, Chuck. Do you want to stay here, or do you want to wade in a bit deeper?

Chuck: Let’s wade in a bit deeper. I’m taller now. In my 20’s, and 6ft tall. Let’s wade in chest high. 

David: Ok, Chuck.  I'm with you.  What’s going on?.

Chuck: I’m glad you’re with me. Kathy and I were married last year. Shortly after, Pop passed away suddenly from a heart attack. Mom’s scrambling to arrange the funeral while still running the business. She asked me if I would drop out of graduate school to help her. I said I would. That was a big turning point in my life. While I know it was the right thing to do, I’ve always wondered what my life as an academic would have been like.

David: What would it have been like, Chuck?

Chuck: Not sure. All I know is that the road of life took a different turn, and I went with it.

David: In the ’67 Impala?

Chuck: You betcha! [David senses a big smile come across Chucks face]

David: So, where are we? On the road to happiness, or still in the pool of sadness?

Chuck: Still in the pool of sadness.

David: Ok. Do you want to dive under water into the deep end together?

Chuck: I’m ready.

David: Here we go. We’re under. What’s it feel like swimming around here, Chuck?

Chuck: Not very good. I’m holding my breath, and I know eventually I’m going to need to surface for air soon. It’s like I’ve been holding my breath my entire adult life waiting for Mom to retire so I could break through the surface, breathe freely, and let the sun shine on my face.

David: And what’s the emotion? Still sadness?

Chuck: No. It’s more like disappointment.

David: Disappointment in what?

Chuck: I’m disappointed that I did not have more time to enjoy life when I was younger. 

[A long silence ensues]

Chuck: It’s nobody’s fault. I’m not angry. I made a free choice. I did my duty, and I am very proud of that.

David: And now?

Chuck: And now I’m making another choice. 

David: What choice is that, Chuck?

Chuck: Let’s go up to the surface so we can both catch our breath, get out of the pool, and dry off.

David: Are you sure?

Chuck: Damn right, I’m sure. Let’s get out of here. 

David: Ok, Chuck. Lead the way.

Chuck: Follow me, David.

David: Where are we going?

Chuck: Over to Tiki bar for a couple of Mai Tai’s. I’m buying.

David: Sweet!

Chuck: David, thank you for being there with me under the water in the pool of my sadness. I needed that.

David: You’re welcome Chuck. We came up pretty fast. I was ready to hold you down there a while longer, but it seemed like you had a realization. What was it?

Chuck: I realized I could stay down there, and we could both drown in my pool of sadness, or I could lead us up to the surface and get busy enjoying my retirement with Kathy.

David: Yeah. What came up for me is that line from Shawshank Redemption: “Get busy living, or get busy dying”. What are you going to get busy doing?

Chuck: Leading!

David: What do you mean, Chuck?

Chuck: Well, I did the right thing for the family when I left grad school to help Mom with the business. And, I’m doing the right thing for the family now by stepping aside. That’s leadership! I could have easily taken the reins now. Right? It was my time. Right? No. It’s Charlie’s time. He’s ready for it, like I never was. I want to see him enjoy this in a way I never could.

David: And what else?

Chuck: My choice here is different this time. This time, I’m not just thinking about Mom, Kathy, Charlie, and the rest of the family. This time I’m also thinking about me.

David: How so, Chuck?

Chuck: This is what I want. I want that trip to Hawaii. I want to finish the Impala. I want to enjoy the grandchildren, and I want Kathy to jump by bones with enthusiasm more often.

David: [laughing] Now, now, Chuck. Keep it clean.

Chuck: Seriously, David. You know that she’s ten years younger than I am. And if I’m running the business, how am I going to have the energy to keep up with her?

David: And what’s possible from here? And I’m not talking about in bed, ok Chuck. 

Chuck: Not more children. I can tell you that. [Chuck releases a huge belly laugh].  It’s more like infinite possibilities. A weight has been lifted. Thank you, David.

David: You’re welcome, Chuck. I feel that lightness, which leads me to an inquiry as we come to the close of our coaching session today.

Chuck: Sure, David. What is it?

David: Will you spend the next couple of weeks and reflect upon the "infinite possibilities" that are ahead for you, and do some journaling around whatever comes up?

Chuck: Absolutely. It would be my pleasure.

David: Awesome, Chuck. You made some great progress today. I know we kid around from time-to-time on our calls. That’s one of the things I love about you. Your sense of humor. And, there’s another side. You are deeply devoted to your family. 

Chuck: I am.

David: And now, it’s time to be deeply devoted to you.

Chuck: Yes it is. Thank you for reminding me of that David.

David: You’re welcome, Chuck. Talk to you in a couple of weeks.

Chuck: Bye-now.

The Chuck Chronicles Episode II--Perspective

Chuck, a fictional successful businessman in his late 50's, approaches David in a coaching session with the following situation:

“As we previously discussed, my mother will soon be stepping down as head of the family business. It seems pretty urgent for me now — I need to make some choices, and I'm feeling a bit stuck. I have spent most of my adult life preparing to succeed her; however, I am now wondering if it might be better to retire early and allow my son to take the reins instead of me. I really need to make sure I am doing what is right for me as well as for my family and the business.”

A following fictional dialogue ensues between the coach (David) and the client (Chuck).

Chuck: Well, as we discussed in our last session, mom is stepping down from running the family business, and I’m wrestling with the decision to step aside and let Charlie take the reins.

David: Yeah. I was going to check in with you on that. I was expecting an email from you last Friday with the itinerary for your month-long trip to Hawaii. [David does a little accountability at the beginning of the session].

Chuck: [with a heavy sigh] I know. I just couldn’t pull the trigger. I’m feeling stuck.

David: Ok. So the topic continues to be your decision to retire early and let Charlie take the reins of the family business from mom. Is that right?

Chuck: Bingo!

David: And the way you’re seeing it is that you’re stuck?

Chuck: Exactly.

David: Chuck, would you like to develop some different perspectives around that?

Chuck: Sure, David. I’m game.

David: Ok. What do you want to call this stuck/can’t decide perspective?

Chuck: It feels like quick sand. Can’t go forward, can’t go back, and the more I wrestle with the decision, the deeper I sink into uncertainty.

David: Great metaphor, Chuck Can we call this the “quick sand” perspective?

Chuck:  Yes. That nails it.

David: How else could you view this, Chuck?

Chuck: What do you mean?

David: What’s another way of looking at this decision?

Chuck: Well, I certainly would feel relieved if I could just get clear on what the right thing to do here is.

David: Yeah. It would be like taking an antacid to relieve all that indigestion caused by the stress of deciding. Remember the old ad, “Rolaids spells relief”?

Chuck: [laughing] Sure do.

David: Can we call this the Rolaids perspective?

Chuck: Absolutely.

David: What’s possible about making this decision from the Rolaids perspective, Chuck?

Chuck: [releasing an audible ahhhhhhh] Well, it would be a heavy burden lifted off my shoulders. Not only would I be relieved, but mom, Charlie, and Kathy would be as well. My delay is causing everyone a lot of indigestion, and the sooner I decide the faster the Rolaids will begin to work.

David: Perfect. Let’s do a little geography, Chuck. Where are you now? Still up on the Cape?

Chuck: Yes. In the study, sitting in my reading chair.

David: Go with me on this, Chuck. Stand up. 

Chuck: Ok.

David: Go out the front door onto your deck.

Chuck. Give me a minute. Ok. I’m there.

David: What do you see?

Chuck: Well, there’s a lounger on the deck.

David: Go lie down on the lounger.

Chuck: This is getting a little weird, David.

David: You know me, Chuck. I am a little weird. You’ll have to trust me on this one.

Chuck: Ok, David. I’m lying down on the lounger [Chuck lets out a loud, mmmmmmm. David senses the level 3. Something has shifted]

David: Now, Chuck. What’s possible around this decision from the “Lounger” perspective?

Chuck: It feels easy, comfortable. I also feel supported.

David: Yes, you do. You are supported. Do you have the feeling  of what it is to make this decision when it’s easy, comfortable and supported?

Chuck: Got it.

David: Want to go for one more perspective, Chuck.

Chuck: Sure, why not.

David: OK. Let’s get up off the lounger.

Chuck: Ok. I’m mobile.

David: Where are you going?

Chuck: Over to the barn.

David: What’s there?

Chuck: The ’67 Chevy Impala that I’ve been restoring.

David: What comes up as you look at the Impala?

Chuck: This project’s been a pain in my ass.

David: Ouch! Ok. So what’s possible from the “pain in my ass” perspective around this decision?

Chuck: Nothing but delay, frustration, and misery. I want to finish this project so that I can enjoy the ride.

David: Ok, Chuck. Have we developed enough perspectives around this decision for you?

Chuck: Yes. I’m good.

David: Ok. Let’s review. We started in “Quick Sand”. Remember that?

Chuck: Yes. I got it.

David: Then we moved onto “Rolaids Spells Relief”.  Do you recall what that was like?

Chuck: Yes. I’ve got indigestion, and so does everyone else. I need to decide soon so that everyone can be relieved.

David: Great. Then we walked out on the deck and you lay down on the lounger. Remember how that felt?

Chuck: Yep. Comfortable and supported.

David: Finally we went over the barn and you developed the “Pain in the Ass” perspective. [Giggling] What was that like, Chuck?

Chuck: Well, the Impala has been a labor of love, but I’ve been procrastinating on finishing it. I want to get out there and enjoy driving that baby.

David: So which one of these perspectives resonates most with you right now, Chuck?

[a long pause ensues. Chuck is a cerebral man, and David knows that he needs to give Chuck time to think this through]

Chuck: David, believe it or not, it’s the “Pain in the Ass” perspective?

David: How so?

Chuck: Well, I recognize that I’m in quick sand and I don’t want to stay there, or I’m going to suffocate. You would have thought that I would have gone for the “lounger”, but that is just TOO soft and comfortable. I’ll never make the decision sitting in the lounger. Rolaids providing relieve was intriguing, but it’s just popping another pill to mask the symptoms. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but that damn “pain in the ass” is what I need right now.

David: Awesome, Chuck. So, what are you going to say “No” to right now, and what are you going to say “yes” to. 

Chuck: Well, I’m going to say no to staying in my comfort zone about this decision. And I’m going to say no to just popping a pill to make it go away.

David: And, what you are you saying "yes" to here? 

Chuck: I’m saying yes to finishing this project and enjoying the ride.

David: Yes you are, Chuck. And what do you want to commit to?

Chuck: Having the conversations with Kathy, Mom, and Charlie we discussed in the last session.

David: And, how will I know.

Chuck: We’ll discuss the results in our next session.

David: Great, Chuck. Take care.

The Chuck Chronicles. Episode I--Being Fulfilled

Chuck, a fictional successful businessman in his late 50's, approaches David in a coaching session with the following situation:

Chuck: “David, as you know, my mother will soon be stepping down as head of the family business. I realize I now have some urgency around the choices I need to make about my own future. I have spent most of my adult life preparing to succeed her; however, I am now wondering if it might be better to retire early and allow my son to take the reins instead of me. I feel like I really need to make sure I am doing what is right for me as well as for the business.”

A following fictional dialogue ensues between the coach (David) and the client (Chuck).

David: So, Chuck. What do you really want here?
Chuck: Well, as much as I always anticipated taking the reins, it’s been a long time coming. I’m now financially secure, Kathy and I have been traveling more, spending time with the grandkids, and just enjoying extending the season at our summer home on the Cape.
David: Yeah, Chuck. I’ve got this image of you on the porch of your home on the Cape in your Bermuda shorts, straw hat on; looking over the water at the sunset with a mai-tai in hand. How beautiful!
Chuck: Bingo! Wait a minute. I need to walk inside and grab my mai-tai. Kathy just finished mixing them up. Ok. I’m back on the porch.
David: Nice! So, what’s right for YOU in this decision?
Chuck: Great question, David. I don’t know. It seems I’ve been waiting all my life to run the family business, and Mom might be disappointed if I don’t step in. [David notices the voice of the saboteur and blows right past it].
David: Chuck, what’s important for you around Mom in this decision?
Chuck: I want her to know that I love her, and that I am not abandoning her if I let Charlie take over.
David: What else?
Chuck: I want Charlie to know that I have complete confidence in him; and that I know he will do an outstanding job in taking the business to the next level.
David: And what about for you, Chuck? What’s important for you to know about YOU in this?
Chuck: I’m not sure. What do you mean?
David: What would your Captain (Odysseus) say to you about this?
Chuck: He would say: “Chuck, it’s ok. You’ve had the adventure of a lifetime. You’ve been successful in your own right, and now you’re entering a new stage of life. You’re there for your Mom, and it’s time for your son to shine”. That’s what he would say.
David: Wow!
Chuck: [with a slight crackle in his voice] Yeah. Wow!
[A long silent pause follows. Neither David nor Chuck says anything. David hears a slight sniffle on the other end, and the clink of ice cubes in the mai-tai]
David: What’s possible from here, Chuck?
Chuck: It’s possible to let mom step down, let Charlie step up, and let me step aside.
David: Yes, it is. And what are you going to do?
Chuck: First, I’m going to let Kathy know that I will not be taking the reins. She’ll be so delighted that I may not be able to contain her enthusiasm. Then, I’m going to have a talk with mom, although it won’t be easy. I’ll tell her I love and respect her. Let her know that Charlie has my full confidence and support to succeed her. And, let her know that the cabin next to the house on the cape is always there for her.
David: And what else?
Chuck: Then, I am going to talk with Charlie. He’s going to be a bit surprised (think pleasantly so). He needs to know that I’ve got his back.
David: And what will you do for yourself?
Chuck: I’m not sure there is anything else?
David: I’m curious if there is anything you want to do for you?
Chuck: Well, now that you mention it. I’ve been thinking about a month-long trip to Hawaii with Kathy, where they really make some good mai-tai’s, but the uncertainty around this decision has been holding me back.
David: I have a challenge for you Chuck.
Chuck: Uh, oh. What is it?
David: Will you book that ticket today?
Chuck: What? Today. At sunset with a mai-tai in hand, and dinner reservations at the Lobster House?
David: C’mon Chuck. You know the routine. Yes, no, or renegotiate.
Chuck: Here’s what I’ll do. I’ll book the ticket after I’ve had the conversations with Kathy, Mom, and Charlie.
David: OK, when will you have those conversations?
Chuck: Next week.
David: Great. So, you’ll have the conversations and book the tickets by next Friday?
Chuck: Yes.
David: And how will I know?
Chuck: I’ll send you the airline confirmation by email
David: Splendid. Thank you, Chuck. You’ve taken a big leap forward today. You are Odysseus!
Chuck: Thanks, David. Speak with you in 2 weeks.
David: Take care, Chuck.