Cherry Pie (a al mode)

You're out to dinner together.  You like ice cream, your partner likes cherry pie. It can be as simple as that.  Then the busy, active, judgement mind takes over.  [Voice1 in the head]: "How could he possibly like vanilla ice cream?  Yuk!  I hate ice cream." [and Voice2]:  "What an idiot! Goopy cherry pie?  Really?"

And thus is sown the seed for conflict.  Worse yet, some folks are deeply uncomfortable about discussing the difference of opinion, or disagreement for fear that they might offend the other person, injure the relationship, or otherwise create an unpleasant circumstance.  In the workplace, this avoidance of conflict on teams can often lead to sub-optimal solutions, inertia--or, worse yet--resentment and brooding.  Imagine if the ice cream and cherry pie couple above dared to try pie a la mode?

The best work in this area is described by Pat Lencioni in his best-selling book: "The Five Dysfunctions of a Team".  For anyone who is striving to develop a well-functioning and high performing team, I strongly recommend that you read the Five Dysfunctions.  You and your team will never be the same.  Enjoy the journey.

To Work or Not To Work [With Someone]...

 
That is the question!

Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer
Someone thrust upon you by outrageous fortune, 
Or to take a stand for who you want,
And by doing so, to live, to thrive, to choose.

In a free society it is still possible to choose with whom we work, and with whom we do not. Oh, I hear the raucous chorus: "Feldercarb!  I must work with so and so.  That's my job.  I can't say no..."

Well, to test the assertion that "I must", I suggest that those in the chorus ask Byron Katie's Four Questions: 

1) Is it true?
2) Can you absolutely know that it's true?
3) How do you react and what happens when you believe that thought?
4) Who would you be without that thought?


In my role as a professional coach, I am free to choose with whom I work, and with whom I do not.  It's among the most beautiful and enjoyable aspects of being a coach.  And, as my coaching practice develops, I am becoming more aware of the folks whom I inspire, and who inspire me in a truly Co-Active way.  

My clients are:

- Calm.
- Gritty.
- Motivated.
- Dependable.
- Entrepreneurial.
- Open to change.
- Straightforward and direct.
- Deeply appreciative of coaching.
- Truly nice, pleasant, and friendly folks.

What they bring to a coaching alliance is:

- Trust.
- Courage.
- An open heart.
- Fun and playfulness.
- A positive mental attitude. 
- Willingness to experiment, fail, and learn.
- Compassion for themselves and their coach.
- A burning desire to advance and transform their lives.

So, with whom do YOU truly want to work? That is the question.

Who's Your Hero?

Recently, Ron Renaud asked a group of folks gathered at a public event in New York City a question about who they respected as modern-day heroes and heroines.  The audience came forth with many fine examples including Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Aung San Suu Kyi and Nelson Mandela.   
 

As I pondered Ron's question, I was brought back to my childhood where we used to play a game around the kitchen table called: "who's your hero".  Then, as now,  my answer to that question is without hesitation my father, Nino Langiulli.

In modern society, the discussion of heroes is verboten.  It would appear that heroes are to be treated as mythical relics of ancient history, not even to be discussed nor debated in Classic Departments of great Universities except as literary objects to be deconstructed.  The very idea that a man (or woman) can in the face of grave danger or serious adversity display courage and the will for self sacrifice for some greater good is considered passe by our modern culture.  And I dare say that the notion that a grown man's father can be admired by his son as a hero would be viewed in many circles as quaint, if not derided as peculiar.

I write this post not only as a tribute to my father, but also to recognize all those current heroes and heroines who martial the moral excellence necessary to live virtuous lives in troubling times.  In my father's case, those virtues include (to name just a few):

-Patience (as a husband, father and teacher)

-Courage (to face life in his middle age after the suicide of his younger daughter, and withstand the scourge of systemic cancer, heart disease, and stroke in his later years)

-Wisdom (to use his knowledge in the service of right action, and apply good 'ol common sense)

-Frugality (in his prudent use of all resources)

The ancient Greeks understood that mythical heroes were important archetypes to be emulated for the fortification of citizens in the service of a free society.  Modern society is no less in need of such archetypes.

So, who's your hero?

The Chuck Chronicles Episode IV: Focus

Chuck, a fictional successful businessman in his late 50's, shows up for a coaching session with David and seems unusually agitated about all of the details on the decisions he is making and how his mother, his son, his family, the employees are all reacting to the current situations in the business. He has a long list of challenges he is wanting to handle by the end of the call and is clearly expecting your advice on them.”

A following fictional dialogue ensues between the coach (David) and the client (Chuck). 

David: Hi, Chuck. How are you today?

Chuck: A little frazzled.

David: How so?

Chuck: Well, after our last session I was feeling pretty good about my decision. You know, we went down into the pool of sadness and disappointment and came up drinking mai tai’s.

David: I remember, Chuck. 

Chuck: So, now, there’s a ton of activity. Moving mom into the guest house, transitioning Charlie into the CEO role, planning the long trip to Hawaii with Kathy, and wondering how I am ever going to finish the Impala. And then there’s all the gossip among the employees at work, and getting the finances in shape, and…

David: [Intruding]. Chuck. May I intrude?

Chuck: Sure, David.

David: I just want to check in with you on your homework from the last session. [David blows right past all of Chuck’s story]. You agreed to spend the last couple of weeks reflecting upon the "infinite possibilities" that are ahead for you, and do some journaling around whatever came up. How did that go?

Chuck: Oh, that was great. I sat out on the front porch each morning watching the sun come up and started to dream.

David: What did you dream about?

Chuck: Mostly about being in Hawaii with Kathy.

David: And who are you being in that dream?

Chuck: I am being the retired executive who did his duty and now is enjoying his retirement.

David: And, what else?

Chuck: Charlie’s running the business without me. He calls from time-to-time with a question. It’s really nice being his mentor.

David: And, what else?

Chuck: Mom’s safe and sound in the guest house keeping an eye on the home front.

David: Sounds like everything’s handled. How does it feel when everything is handled?

Chuck: Peaceful.

David: Yes. And, who is Chuck when he’s peaceful?

Chuck: What do you mean, David?

David: I mean, who are you when you are peaceful?

Chuck: I’m the Buddha under the Bodhi tree.

David: And, what’s possible when you are the Buddha under the Bodhi tree?

Chuck: Stillness. Serenity. Clarity of thought.

David: Yes. And when you have clarity of thought, what’s possible?

Chuck: Decisiveness

David: And who are you deciding to be?

Chuck: The one who sits and lets all the troubles swirling around me handle themselves. If I am needed, people will ask, and I will answer from a grounded place of knowing.

David: And, what do you know, Chuck?

Chuck: That I am a Buddha. That I need not fret about all this business. That I can allow others to lead their lives the way they want to.

David: And what about you?

Chuck: I can lead my life the way I want to.

David: Yes. You can. You are a Buddha, and you are on the path to enlightenment.

Chuck: Yes, but I’ve got to make sure the transition goes smoothly, otherwise….

David: [Intruding} No, Chuck. That’s your saboteur talking. “Got To?” Are you kidding me? If Charlie is as capable as you said he is, then you don’t “Got To” do anything. Where is the “Got To” in all of this?

Chuck: You’re right, David. That damn saboteur had me by the tail. Thank you for pointing that out. Buddha’s who sit under the Bodhi tree don’t “Got To” do anything. They just sit.

David: Yes, they do. Chuck, I'm wondering if there is a little structure that would help you remember your Buddha nature as you go through this important transition in your life.

Chuck: “Structure”. What do you mean, David?

David: I mean a tangible item, photograph, song, movie, book that would help remind you of peace and serenity.

Chuck: You know, David, I was in a hippie shop up the road with Kathy last week, and she pointed out a small beaded bracelet to me. I did not think much of it at the time. You know, just another trinket.  But, now that you mention it, that bracelet reminded me of Hawaii.

David: I have a request.

Chuck: What is it, David?

David: Will you go to that shop this weekend, buy that bracelet and wear it every day for the next two weeks until our next call.

Chuck: I’ll do it.

David: How will I know?

Chuck: I’ll snap a photo of it with my smart phone and email it to you.

David: Awesome, Chuck. Looking forward to the photo. Take care.

Chuck: So long, David. Talk to you in a couple of weeks.

The Chuck Chronicles Episode III--Emotion

Chuck, a fictional successful businessman in his late 50's, approaches David in a coaching session with the following situation:

“My mother will soon be stepping down as head of the family business. It seems pretty urgent for me now — I need to make some choices. I have spent most of my adult life preparing to succeed her; however, I am now wondering if it might be better to retire early and allow my son to take the reins instead of me. I feel a little blue right now, and I really need to make sure I am doing what is right for me as well as for my family and the business.”

A following fictional dialogue ensues between the coach (David) and the client (Chuck).

David: Hey, Chuck. How are you?

Chuck: Down, down, down ditty down.

David: Ok, Chuck. What’s down?

Chuck: Well, I had the conversations with Kathy, Mom, and Charlie about Mom stepping down, me stepping aside, and Charlie step up.

David: And how did they go?

Chuck: The conversations went fine. As I mentioned to you a few weeks back, I thought Kathy would be ecstatic, and she was. She could not have been more supportive and enthusiastic. She booked the tickets to Hawaii.

David: Nice. And Mom and Charlie.

Chuck: Mom took it surprisingly well. Especially when I mentioned that the cabin would always be there for her. She went ahead and starting clearing out some of her memorabilia at the office, and bringing it over to the cabin, including some of the photos of when she and Pop started the business.

Charlie was a bit surprised, in a nervous expectation sort of way. Kind of like the feeling you get when you’re a kid and you’re going to jump off the 10meter diving board for the first time. When I told him that I would be there for him (treading water in the deep end to make sure he comes up for air), he jumped in with delight.

David: And what about you, Chuck. What’s the sadness?

Chuck: That’s it, I’m not exactly sure. I’ve just been feeling melancholy ever since. I know I should be feeling elated: Kathy was so happy she jumped my bones that night, and I need not tell you that for a couple that’s been married as long as we have, her spontaneity was a welcome surprise. 

 David: Chuck, this is a G-rated conversation.

Chuck: Ok, David.  Anyway, Mom seems so content. And Charlie keeps getting out of the pool, climbing up the ladder and jumping in the pool. He even swam over to me, patted me on the back, and said: “It’s OK Pop. I can swim in the deep end. I’m not afraid anymore.” I should be loving this, and I’m not.

David: I hear that Chuck. Are you willing to dive deeper into this pool of sadness with me?

Chuck: I’m not sure, David.

David: Chuck, if you will allow me to use your own metaphor--I’ll dive down with you. Ok?

Chuck: Ok, David. I’ll give it a try.

David: Thanks Chuck. Let’s wade into the shallow end together first. What’s here?

Chuck: I’m a kid again. First time in the pool. It’s scary. I’m glad you’re holding my hand. It feels like I’m with my father. I remember him in the early days when he and Mom started the business. This is when I learned to swim. I’m looking at the two of them sitting poolside, going over the bills, talking about products, and people in the office. The Harry Chapin song Cat's in The Cradle is playing and I'm hearing: “I’m going to be just like him” is playing. [Chuck sings the line for David]

David: Beautiful, Chuck. Do you want to stay here, or do you want to wade in a bit deeper?

Chuck: Let’s wade in a bit deeper. I’m taller now. In my 20’s, and 6ft tall. Let’s wade in chest high. 

David: Ok, Chuck.  I'm with you.  What’s going on?.

Chuck: I’m glad you’re with me. Kathy and I were married last year. Shortly after, Pop passed away suddenly from a heart attack. Mom’s scrambling to arrange the funeral while still running the business. She asked me if I would drop out of graduate school to help her. I said I would. That was a big turning point in my life. While I know it was the right thing to do, I’ve always wondered what my life as an academic would have been like.

David: What would it have been like, Chuck?

Chuck: Not sure. All I know is that the road of life took a different turn, and I went with it.

David: In the ’67 Impala?

Chuck: You betcha! [David senses a big smile come across Chucks face]

David: So, where are we? On the road to happiness, or still in the pool of sadness?

Chuck: Still in the pool of sadness.

David: Ok. Do you want to dive under water into the deep end together?

Chuck: I’m ready.

David: Here we go. We’re under. What’s it feel like swimming around here, Chuck?

Chuck: Not very good. I’m holding my breath, and I know eventually I’m going to need to surface for air soon. It’s like I’ve been holding my breath my entire adult life waiting for Mom to retire so I could break through the surface, breathe freely, and let the sun shine on my face.

David: And what’s the emotion? Still sadness?

Chuck: No. It’s more like disappointment.

David: Disappointment in what?

Chuck: I’m disappointed that I did not have more time to enjoy life when I was younger. 

[A long silence ensues]

Chuck: It’s nobody’s fault. I’m not angry. I made a free choice. I did my duty, and I am very proud of that.

David: And now?

Chuck: And now I’m making another choice. 

David: What choice is that, Chuck?

Chuck: Let’s go up to the surface so we can both catch our breath, get out of the pool, and dry off.

David: Are you sure?

Chuck: Damn right, I’m sure. Let’s get out of here. 

David: Ok, Chuck. Lead the way.

Chuck: Follow me, David.

David: Where are we going?

Chuck: Over to Tiki bar for a couple of Mai Tai’s. I’m buying.

David: Sweet!

Chuck: David, thank you for being there with me under the water in the pool of my sadness. I needed that.

David: You’re welcome Chuck. We came up pretty fast. I was ready to hold you down there a while longer, but it seemed like you had a realization. What was it?

Chuck: I realized I could stay down there, and we could both drown in my pool of sadness, or I could lead us up to the surface and get busy enjoying my retirement with Kathy.

David: Yeah. What came up for me is that line from Shawshank Redemption: “Get busy living, or get busy dying”. What are you going to get busy doing?

Chuck: Leading!

David: What do you mean, Chuck?

Chuck: Well, I did the right thing for the family when I left grad school to help Mom with the business. And, I’m doing the right thing for the family now by stepping aside. That’s leadership! I could have easily taken the reins now. Right? It was my time. Right? No. It’s Charlie’s time. He’s ready for it, like I never was. I want to see him enjoy this in a way I never could.

David: And what else?

Chuck: My choice here is different this time. This time, I’m not just thinking about Mom, Kathy, Charlie, and the rest of the family. This time I’m also thinking about me.

David: How so, Chuck?

Chuck: This is what I want. I want that trip to Hawaii. I want to finish the Impala. I want to enjoy the grandchildren, and I want Kathy to jump by bones with enthusiasm more often.

David: [laughing] Now, now, Chuck. Keep it clean.

Chuck: Seriously, David. You know that she’s ten years younger than I am. And if I’m running the business, how am I going to have the energy to keep up with her?

David: And what’s possible from here? And I’m not talking about in bed, ok Chuck. 

Chuck: Not more children. I can tell you that. [Chuck releases a huge belly laugh].  It’s more like infinite possibilities. A weight has been lifted. Thank you, David.

David: You’re welcome, Chuck. I feel that lightness, which leads me to an inquiry as we come to the close of our coaching session today.

Chuck: Sure, David. What is it?

David: Will you spend the next couple of weeks and reflect upon the "infinite possibilities" that are ahead for you, and do some journaling around whatever comes up?

Chuck: Absolutely. It would be my pleasure.

David: Awesome, Chuck. You made some great progress today. I know we kid around from time-to-time on our calls. That’s one of the things I love about you. Your sense of humor. And, there’s another side. You are deeply devoted to your family. 

Chuck: I am.

David: And now, it’s time to be deeply devoted to you.

Chuck: Yes it is. Thank you for reminding me of that David.

David: You’re welcome, Chuck. Talk to you in a couple of weeks.

Chuck: Bye-now.