Some time ago I was on the
receiving end of a small dose of unwarranted sharp criticism from a
leader whom I respect. This criticism was coupled with a semi-public
humiliation, and then a private verbal beating behind the wood shed.
I
harbored deep hurt and resentment over this incident for many months,
even though I knew I had done nothing to warrant such behavior. To me,
it felt like a painful, open wound that would not heal. Sometimes I
would wake up in the middle of the night having experienced a disturbing
dream, reliving the experience in a variety of distorted, macabre ways,
as only dreams can produce. This went on for longer than I would like
to admit.
Then one day, I was in another
meeting with this individual. He was under the weather and not feeling
well. In that moment, I was able to see his humanity, as I had not been
able to before. Also, in that moment I forgave him--completely, and on
the spot. Not just for the prior injustice, but also for the mess that
is the inherited birthright of us all called--humanity. From that
point forward, I have held this person in the cradle of loving kindness.
And, guess what? No more nightmares. Voila!
In the book, Anatomy of Peace,
the authors make a distinction between having a "heart at peace" vs. a
"heart at war". While I read the book after the incident that I
describe here, I notice upon reflection that my heart was at war with
this person, and because of that stance the wound would not heal. By
forgiving him, my heart is now at peace.
So, I ask: with whom are you at war in your heart? And, how long will you let that wound fester until you forgive and heal?
Last week, I spent some time with 28 leaders becoming more intimate. That's right--more INTIMATE.
I find it extraordinarily interesting how often we avoid being intimate (especially with someone of the opposite sex) because we fear collapsing #intimacy with #sex. Perhaps it's a boomerang response to the sexual revolution of the '60s and '70s where the lines between intimacy and sex were collapsed as part of the zeitgeist. I am here to say--enough! We are starving our emotional selves by putting up barriers to intimate relationships in the workplace and beyond.
Sacrebleu! Did he just say "intimate relationships in the workplace"? In a public forum? That's right. And, before you sick the EEOC on me, let me remind folks of what we are really talking about here. Intimacy, by definition, is "close familiarity or friendship". That's it. Certainly, it can involve sex (as is the case with me and my spouse), but not necessarily so. I can share that I have intimate relationships with my children, parents, and friends and I can assure you that no sex is involved. I can also offer that I have had (and continue to have) intimate relationships with current and former coaching clients (men and women). How could it be any other way?
If this discussion is making you squirm in your seat--good! It should. My-o-my, how far apart we've moved from each other for the sake of a sanitized, emotion-free workplace (please pass the Lysol). The pendulum has swung too far.
It may be helpful here to remember a little tool, often used by professional coaches and leaders trained by the Coaches Training Institute. Intimacy is "Into-Me-See". From that perspective, intimacy requires an open heart. Opening our hearts to others is an act of courage because it makes us vulnerable to being hurt. And while I have had my own heart wounded and broken several times during the course of my life, I find that leading my life from an open-hearted stance much more satisfying and energizing than armoring up every day to protect myself.
If this post inspires you, makes you uncomfortable, or ignites a small spark of curiosity about how you approach and interact with others, then my duty is done. With that sense of inspiration, discomfort, or curiosity I ask you to consider: how intimate are you being?
As the
members of my household prepare this morning to head back to school for
the start of 2015, I am reminded of the1986 film Back To School. In the film which is filled with high
jinx, laughter, and love,Thornton Melon (Rodney Dangerfield) enrolls in the same college where his son is a freshman in order to encourage the boy to persevere.
As leaders, we can also set an example by going "back to school" from time-to-time. This can take the form of attending a workshop, reading an inspiring book, or auditing a college course. In my own situation, I decided at the youthful age of 50 to enroll in series of workshops and a certification program to become a certified professional coach. I consider it my middle-aged "Triple Lindy". And, I nailed it.
So, at the dawn of 2015 I ask: What is your intention for growth and learning this year? How are you going back to school?
